A Testimony of God's Faithful Goodness

I grew up in the church. I grew up hearing the gospel. I prayed one night at 5 years old and asked Jesus into my heart. For a long time I really thought I was a Christian. But now, I'm not sure if I really was saved at the time or not. At age 9 I started my "homeschooler's rebellion" as Dad calls it. In my heart, I was running from God. Submission, obedience, and repentance were extremely distasteful words to me at that time. For 4 years I struggled with God. My way and sinful desires were more important. I did not want to repent and change, whether it would have been for the first time or not. I was scarred that I was not a Christian. Not scared enough to submit to God and let Him be Lord of my life instead of me. I just desired to escape Hell, not have a relationship with Jesus. I was a little "god" to myself. I was the most important. I certainly deserved for God to strike me dead for my blatant and continual idolatry and rebellion against Him in His holiness.
But, God in His rich and incomprehensible mercy did the one thing I could not control - He changed my heart. He started to change me from the inside out. By 13 God had really started working in my heart. I don't remember much of what happened. But, two instances clearly stick out in my head. The first one started late at night. Dad and I were having another one of our conversations and I still was not willing to submit. At the end of the conversation, I had the thought, "I'm not a Christian." I asked Dad if I could still pray to God. If I really was not a Christian, I could not pray to God, only cry out for mercy. This scarred me badly. I was horrified that I had no ability to communicate with God, except plea for mercy. And I did. Oh how I pleaded. I felt totally alone. It was horrible. I repeatedly cried out to God for mercy. I don't remember much after that. The next thing I remember was probably several months later. I was sitting on a couch in our family room in Bradenton, FL. The thought occurred to me, "I can get baptized now." I finally had a peace about it. I'd never considered being baptized because I never knew for sure, until those last couple months, that I genuinely was a Christian. Needless to say, I was very excited. So my Daddy baptized me one warm evening in our neighbor's pool, in front of my dear care group. I so wanted to share this amazing moment in my life.
The next couple of years were rough. I knew I was a Christian and that I love God, but still really struggled with submission to His will and repentance. I so hated those word. In the midst of this struggle however, the theology of grace came alive in my heart. The Holy Spirit was teaching me about God's undeserved favor towards me, in spite of my sine... in spite of my sin. As I learned more about grace and grew in focusing on my Savior, submission and repentance started to get easier. Though I did not see it at the time, I believe I had climbed over a second major hill in my spiritual journey. Sine then, I have still had many a bitter struggle a sinned a whole, whole lot. I still struggle with obedience and putting God first. I still struggle with repentance. But my gracious and amazing Savior has also been changing my heart a whole, whole lot. I love God and desire to obey and glorify Him so much more than I ever asked for or dreamed of. I continue to constantly be awed by God's faithfulness and love towards me, the worst sinner I know ('cause I know me the best). God continues to reveal His love, mercy, kindness, faithfulness, sovereignty and holiness to me each and every day. I am so grateful and joy in my God, my Lord, my Savior!
Thank you for 20 years of faithfulness, God... years of being known and loved by the One holy God... years of getting to know and love You... years of growing and being made holy as You are holy. What an incomprehensible, awesome God! What a gospel I get to be apart of, one that I get to revel in every single day of my life on earth; and one day for all eternity in heaven! Why do you love me, oh Lord? I don't deserve you. Thank you for loving me in spite of my sin. Thank you for choosing me from eternity past. Thank you for Your amazing eternal love - for ME! Why me? I don't think I'll ever fully comprehend Your mysterious love. It's too high and holy for me to ever fully understand. Thank You for revealing Yourself to me, my God! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can't wait to cast my crowns out Your feet one day. To you be all glory, all honor and all praise, the One True God! I worship you - MY God! How AWEsome you are!
[Aaaaaah, these human words are not enough to express how good and kind and amazing He is. I cannot praise him adequately with mere human speech. I seriously cannot believe I just wrote all of the above. I am amazed at how far God has brought my ol' sinful self. I am in complete awe of my God. I will never be able to thank Him enough!]